If you tell them they can trust you with their mistakes and they won’t get in trouble for talking about them, then you have to hold to that! Otherwise don’t say it. If you give that space for them to express, and you go back on your word, this time will actually damage the trust in your relationship, not strengthen it.
This is the second post in a series of articles about Coconut Time, a practice I started wth my boys a couple years ago to create a deep and meaningful connection of intimate communication between them and me.
After the first post in this series, I had some very good questions and feedback from several readers and will add those points to this and future blogs to answer the questions for all to get the responses. If you have questions or a contribution, please post it in the comments and we can discuss it and improve the information in the coming writing. Any questions not addressed in the posts organically will be addressed in the final post in the series as reader FAQs.
The most common question I’ve been asked so far, “Why is it called Coconut Time?”
Why is it called Coconut Time?
For two simple reasons. One, it’s when we put our coconuts (heads) together and share our thoughts and feelings. Two, because it’s guy time and us young and old boys can find the humor in guy time having coconuts in the title. If you still don’t get the reference, don’t worry, we will get to the sex talk stuff in future posts (or go watch “Kindergarten Cop”).
The Challenges of Coconut Time
Is Coconut Time difficult because of the topics that come up?
This time with my boys is very rewarding and has brought us incredibly close together, but make no mistake, as a parent, Coconut Time is very hard.
First off, it can be INCREDIBLY difficult to hold true to this process and not make it about you, or you being the parent that saves them or fixes them. There is plenty of time for that outside of this time of connection, and as the parent running the time you have to be consistent.
If you tell them they can trust you with their mistakes and they won’t get in trouble for talking about them, then you have to hold to that! Otherwise don’t say it. If you give that space for them to express, and you go back on your word, this time will actually damage the trust in your relationship, not strengthen it.
What if Coconut Time becomes a trouble free confessional booth?
In trying to connect with your kids in this manner, if you find that it just becomes a time of punishment-free confessions, then it would be important to rethink the strategy laid out for “no trouble” about what it said. Take the opportunity to establish an atmosphere of emotional safety rather than a time for the child using it to avoid the justice of the moment.
This potential issue is something I considered before starting this process with my boys, and I asked myself — What will I do to change Coconut Time if my kids ever manipulate the time and use it as a way to avoid accountability?
I decided that if that ever happens, the rules will change to be more about not getting in trouble for asking questions that would seem off limits or discussing topics that are normally unacceptable.
As the parent running the time, I intentionally try to lead the time in such a way that keeps the tone about connection, and I also spend time outside of this connection leading them to make good choices or correcting behavior that needs to change.
How does Coconut Time work and how do they not get in trouble for certain choices?
One advantage of disarming them in Coconut Time is they let me in more, so I can get feedback on where they are struggling, and then watch for that behavior outside of Coconut Time and address it then.
For example, one of the boys was recently struggling with getting his school work and homework done and turned in on time, and this habit was hurting his grades. There are still consequences for these actions in daily life, but addressing the issue during Coconut Time gives me insight as to why he is struggling and what attitude is behind the behavior.
He didn’t find the work fun or important so he didn’t want to do it, and this resulted in bad grades and being grounded from fun privileges. In this case, Coconut Time was not about avoiding getting in trouble for not doing the work, but it was about making him feel safe to say my assignments are dumb and I don’t want to do them, and not risk getting in trouble for that expression or frustration.
What is the most important part of Coconut Time, how has it been so effective for you?
If you are going to attempt this practice with your own children, you MUST be consistent with the effort in not using that time to discover punishable acts, you MUST let them be free to express whatever they want, and you MUST be unoffendable and fully prepared for the unexpected.
This truly is the key to why this practice has been so effective with my boys and me. In future posts I will cover other topics that we have discussed in Coconut Time in more detail to give more insight to how effective it has become.
Coconut Time Questions
During Coconut Time, I ask the boys leading questions to help funnel the discussion into areas that are emotionally uncomfortable or vulnerable, for both them and me:
- How are you feeling lately?
- How am I doing at my job as your Dad?
- To you, how can I do better at being a Dad?
- What makes you scared?
- Is there anything I do that scares you?
- What makes you sad?
- Is there anything I do that makes you sad?
- What makes you happy?
- Is there anything I do that makes you happy?
- What do I do as your Dad that makes you feel most loved?
- Do you like any girls?
- Do you ever want to kiss them?
- How’s your body feeling?
- Have you noticed any changes to your body?
- How do the changes that are happening to your body make you feel?
- Have your friends offered you drugs/alcohol/etc.?
- What things about you do you wish you could change?
- What don’t you like about yourself?
- What do you love about yourself?
- What are you the very best at doing?
- What things are you not very good at, and how does that make you feel?
Outside of the standard “dad questions” that I would think to ask, they often ask me the standard “kid questions”, which rarely ever have anything standard about them:
- What is heaven like?
- How do you know God is real?
- Does God play with toys?
- Will you still be my dad in heaven?
- Why did you want to be a dad?
- When will I meet my wife?
- Why do you and mommy fight sometimes?
- What’s your favorite game?
- What do girls look like naked?
- Where do babies come from?
- Do you like to have sex?
- How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?
- How many girls have you kissed?
- Did you ever hurt your brothers when you were little?
- What does it mean to be gay?
- What does shit/ass/fuck/etc. mean and why can’t I say those words?
- Why are there bullies?
- How come my teacher is mean sometimes?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
I sit and listen to the answers to these questions, and let them ask plenty of questions of their own, and observe and guide the discussion as authentically as possible. This is incredibly difficult for me at times because I am trying to give them room to express, and at the same time press pause on anything that would make me feel sad, ashamed, or insecure – always the challenge of being open and vulnerable to someone, whether they are your child or not. Perhaps especially to your child, because you don’t want to show them anything but the best of yourself.
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This is part two of a series of posts about Coconut Time and how I establish authentic connection with my boys with this strategy. In future posts in this series I will answer more questions that readers have submitted, and I’m going to have each boy contribute their own thoughts about it.
Please comment about the reading, ideas that you have about connecting with your kids, and feel free to ask questions that will help me generate future posts, and share this post below if you took something from it!
